1 year ago in Plain Text
Doesn't get any better than that. But luckily for you, there's a big red cherry on top. Your final comedian of the night. One of the best to ever do it, the person with the most sets ever in the show's history the longest standing regular in the history of the show.
The guy that's done more new minutes than any other human on planet Earth. Headliner, cameo star, television star, movie star ladies and gentlemen gentlemen, the big red machine. The Memphis strangler.
The banana. Dangler. William lights out, Montgomery. One more time. It's him. William Montgomery, everybody. He ain't flying my helicopter. This thing with Biden and all the classified documents is getting really out of hand today.
They found the nuclear launch codes in a bag of Biden's Depends. He's old as shit. I feel good. My leg is really itching. Tony, I got tatted up on Thursday. It's itchy as a motherfucker right now how itchy is.
It William to explain to us how itchy as fuck. When it itches, you slap it because you can't scratch it, so you slap it. That's actually what I do with red band's, mom. When her pussy's itching, I'll just kind of slap it with my hand.
Stanky ass egg be itching. I got to slap that. The ironic taz tattoo, the penis piercing, the Kirkland signature T shirt. It's all sort of ironic. No, I don't really get what you're getting at. Seriously, is that some sort of fucking attack on my fucking ass right now, dude?
Wait. How long does a penis piercing take? It was like 2 hours. My thing hole is real small, so it took him a while to find it. Sounds like you went to the Irony Mall this week. God, shut the fuck up, dude.
Shut the fuck up. I've been listening to your bullshit all fucking night, Joe. So you're not going to come at me with this shit. I have a fucking tattoo now, dude. I literally have three fucking guns.
Am I drunk? Why do yeah, it's a multi year it's a seven year $500,000 contract. That's incredible. I know. I bought a house yesterday. I took it to what is it? JG. Wentworth? Yeah, I went to JG. Wentworth.
What suburb is your $500,000 house in? It's in plano. Yeah. It took me like 5 hours to fucking get here tonight. Yeah, it's like this nightmarish commute. Holy shit. It sounds close. Even without traffic, it's like 4 hours or something.
It's like I don't know what I was taking. What did you do to pass the time during your five hour commute? I've started doing this thing where I can sort of trick my body into falling asleep while I'm driving buffalo.
I'll trick myself into falling asleep for like 30 minutes at a time. So I'm actually getting these really long naps. I got vaccinated, but I don't believe in COVID. And I got vaccinated at the Irony Mall.
Somebody get him out of this place. And this is without a doubt, I'm pretty sure the longest episode we've ever done in Austin, Texas. So you've been waiting a while, Marinating. What's it been like?
I am super sleepy right now. I've been standing right back there smoking joints. Super sleepy right now know? Do you like this jacket, Tony? Tony got me this jacket on my Burke. Day in Denver. We were in Denver.
In Denver. It was snowing. We ended up kissing under a bridge for a second. And I also had a horrible set up in Wyoming one time. And I went back to the restaurant, and I was doing cocaine. I was doing a key bump, and my penis was real small because I was on cocaine.
And my penis went back into my pants, and I peed all over the front of my pants and just proceeded with my fucking night like nothing had happened. Fucking Laramie, Wyoming. I hate that fucking place.
I will never go back. Pretty sure you two have the record for the most sets ever on the show. Yeah, no, it's cool. I think it's awesome that Williams been doing it for longer than me. I think that's great.
You're never going to beat my fucking record. Yeah, you're skinny now, so yeah, that is pretty cool. You're never going to surpass my fucking yeah, whatever. I don't even want to be here right now, so it's not a big deal.
You're never going to fucking surpass my record. There's no fucking way. I'll come back. You're not going to come back. I won't. You're not going to come back. God. Hold on. Redband looks extra scary tonight for some reason.
You look extra sick or something. Are you doing all right? No. Are you off the testosterone red band? It looks like something's wrong. No, it kind of does. It really kind of does. Your mouth looks yellow or something.
Something's wrong. Richly something's wrong. I'm sorry. William is a doctor after he popped out war. William, I perhaps never seen you this mellow before. Is there anything that you are passionate about right now that gives you energy?
Dark chocolate almonds night. I was eating some seized candies last night. Dark chocolate almond clusters. How many dark chocolate almonds are you eating a night? Shit. Last night I had 15 of the clusters.
Yeah, 15? Yeah. What is that? You fucking idiot. What was that? Dumbass. Oh, because we were talking about soda. He did. Baking soda. Three and a half minutes. That's right. That's a lot of sodium. No, it's not.
Do you think it is? You have too much sodium. Your mouth is yellow. Your mouth is yellow right now. Your face is yellow. Okay, you guys, shut up, man. You fucking dumbass. Somebody needs to throw this guy out of here.
Seriously. Somebody started a new need for speed. How much do you fucking love need for Speed? It's the best. It's the best. This is our first time ever seeing a tired William Montgomery before. I love it.
It's a different vibe. Yeah, I'm high right now. Well, it's been a pleasure going to sing. Tony I've had a really hard week, so I honestly bought 500 fortune cookies. I wasn't able to come up with any minute or anything, but I thought I would just read some of these fortune cookies.
Just. I recently realized I've been giving my girlfriend advice that I don't apply to my own life. So I started doing this thing where anytime I'm about to give her advice, I just apply whatever that is to my own life.
And I've got to say, I've gotten. Really good at giving myself a blowjob. Holy shit, man. I got bought at Disney World at that. Jesus. They got me doing in a Disney World. Literally, I got fired. Unattractive.
People are more likely to continue wearing masks post COVID, and I have to say my only reaction to that is thank you. Holy shit. Have you ever seen those hags? Got a bunch of fucking hags walking around?
If you get a baby hippo, they don't actually stay the same size as the bathtub. Some piece of shit at fucking Petco ripped me off. Holy shit. He didn't tell me that. I swear to God. I thought the hippopotamus stayed the same size as the bathtub they were in.
They don't. They get huge. My 500 fucking fortune cookies arrive. It cost me $100 for 500 fortune cookies. Holy shit. I swear to God, I was doing. It for the past hour before I got here, trying to stuff those fucking things into that.
How did you get it wrapped up? How did you wrap them up? Back up. How'd you get them wrapped back up? Do what? How'd you wrap them back up. You put the notes in there and how'd you say that a little slower.
I swear I can't understand you. I swear. Who the fuck are you? Why were you trying to give me advice on that shit, man? I have 500 of these fucking plays in my ass right now. Tony, I swear to God. I caught squatters at my apartment yesterday.
I caught squatters. And it was the first time in my life I've killed someone where I was literally I was kind of justified in doing it. It was the biggest rush. Yeah. He was squatting. I was in the fucking closet.
I just waited on his ass. Fucking honestly, I was strangling him, and then I put some fortune cookies in his fucking mouth. Wow. But, yeah, it was the first time I feel like I was justified in killing somebody, so that was pretty exciting.
Tony, I swear to God, I found the best Oreo cookies. They're cookies and cream. Cream, oreo cookies. I ate, I don't know, the whole thing last night. Just an Oreo cookie. Just the cream is cookies and cream.
Oh, okay. Yeah. I'd never seen that before. It was delicious. Yeah, that shit was double stall. I love it when it doubles up. How much do you love it? Almost more than when I killed that, too. I swear to God, I scared this shit out of him.
I jumped out of the fucking closet. Holy shit. He had no idea. I've been in there for, like, 5 hours. It was the weirdest thing. I've been in there, like five fucking hours. When did it go? On Sunday.
Sunday, I think Sunday. Sunday. Yeah. I think Sunday. I think it was Sunday. It came back on. No, there's not a Sunday. William, you know this, right? Sunday the son of a power full lawyer. You must know that.
It's. It's Sunday. You're kidding. I know you're kidding. What are the other days of the week? Can you say some of the other days of the week? What? Tuesday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Wednesday Wednesday.
Thursday. Friday, Friday. Fuck it. Favorite day. What's? Garfield's. Favorite day? Thursday. Okay. You. Yeah. Stupid. Dumbass. I do have one thing to say. These are two people you need to know. So backing up saying, who the fuck are you?
I took that as just for sure. I swear to you. Puggy as it was leaving my lips. Okay. I didn't take it. Are you mad? No. I fucking loved it. Okay. Thank you for bringing it up. Thank you. I apologize.
I do it to everyone. So maybe I need to stop. Yeah. But I never go to Soul.
Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, to end tonight's show I present upon you one of the greatest anomalies to ever happen in the history of Kiltoni. This guy is the first person to take the stage at my shows and he does so to a standing ovation.
And he leaves on a standing ovation a man who has done more new minutes on this show than anyone ever has. This man is the longest standing regular in the history of the show. More appearances than anyone else ever.
The regular that has done more new minutes than anybody ever in the show's history. Everywhere he goes he absolutely destroys he's selling out everywhere he's making $60,000 a month on cameo some people call him the Memphis Strangler some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla some people call him the Big Red Machine the Vanilla Gorilla the Memphis Strangler the Big Red Machine this is William.
Lights up. My God. Does that make me crazy? Oh, my gosh. Apparently, three rappers were found dead in the basement of a Michigan apartment building. Okay, that's it. I'm not letting my son become a rapper.
Holy I don't know if you all heard of this Brian Laundry guy, but I've got a laundry list of reasons why your daughter shouldn't go out with them. A 319,000,000 year old brain was discovered in England.
I had no idea Biden had been traveling in the U. K. What the fuck was that? Goddamn it. And just right off the bat anybody in the front row? I'm sorry. I have COVID. Right now, for President's Day this year, I am going as Grover Cleveland.
Oh, and, Tony, I actually went to a Chinese restaurant and got a couple fortune cookies, so I thought I would just maybe open up a couple and see just what was on the fortune cookies. Let's see. Redband so old, he only listens to porn on Am radio.
Okay, here's another one. Let's see. What this? Red band so lame. He only eats gluten free fortune cookies. Holy okay, that's that's all. Yeah. The big red fellow himself. The big red fellow. You're rocking a Kirkland signature sweatshirt today.
We've heard about this on again, off again relationship. New sponsorship deal, 7.5 million next three months, kirkland signature I don't give a fuck anymore. You don't give a fuck about what? I don't know.
I've had this horrible brain fog, Tony, after being off the Nicotine. Holy shit, Tony. I don't know if you saw it. I was actually also on a Super Bowl commercial last night. I don't know why anybody's talking about it.
I was on the Pringles commercial last night. You were? What'd you do? I said, once you pop, you don't stop. Seriously, I was, like, the lead role in it. It was giant. Yeah, I was on the Pringles commercial.
Like, I woke up, everybody's talking about David on that fucking Planners thing. His ass wasn't even fucking on it. David motherfucking Lucas. Another great eight minute fresh off of a goddamn Super Bowl commercial.
How cool is that? And I'm the one saying the line, once you pop, you don't stop for the fucking Pringles commercial. And it's like nobody's fucking talking about it. It's the biggest thing that's literally ever fucking happened to me.
And it's like nobody even mentions it. They all talk about fucking David, and he didn't even say shit in his fucking commercial. Planner's peanuts. I hate you. Wasn't there? You could have stuck one up your ass.
We had no idea. That is incredible. How much did you get paid to do the Pringles commercial? $4 million. Wow. For yeah. Dollars. Once you pop, you don't stop. Once you pop, you don't stop. That's so interesting that they would have you say it like that.
It sort of sounds like, once you pop, you don't stop. Wow. That is incredible. Did they tell you to do it like that? Yeah, it was really weird. The guy got me into his office and yeah. He was like, you need to talk like a black person for this.
I was like, Are you sure I'm not black? Like, this seems weird. It's a pringles commercial and fucking the Super Bowl. And he just kept on insisting and yeah, so once you paw, you don't stop. D Madness says that they don't talk like that.
You are in big trouble. What? Blind? Blind people? No. The fuck are you talking about? I was on a fucking Pringles commercial. You piece of jet. Nobody fucking help him get off the stage tonight. Oh, my God.
Good luck finding the stairs. I was on a fucking Super Bowl commercial. D Madness says he never saw your yeah, no shit. God. Where the fuck am I? Right? Oh, God. Am I in the. Fucking Twilight literally was the biggest opportunity of my life.
Oh, shit. Thank you. And I was kidding. I've been kidding. We're both kidding. Okay, good. Okay. Yeah, I'll be honest, Tony. I didn't even want to leave my apartment tonight. Hold on. Excuse me. What?
Oh, Dmagna says a very interesting story. Just told you. Once you bob, you don't are you not feeling good? For real? Yeah, I'm not feeling good. And I ate the same mushrooms as Uncle Laser did. God, what happened with his fucking set?
Look, I'm trying to get canceled. Well, you have to have a career first. Whoa. Relax. You actually have to. You're putting the but my Instagram account alone has more than the Kill Tony fucking Instagram account.
How does that make you feel? It's a show. Uncle Laser. How many followers does your show Instagram account have? Because you don't have as many as I have. No, but this is what your first shit off of your first episode on your podcast didn't have.
37,000 in the first week. Not a fucking I stole this from the green room. By the way. That's mine now. His hair is thinning, too. Okay, very good. Yes. Again, Uncle Laser's hair is his identity. So he looks at other men like.
What'S your hair look like? Okay, I got you, trash ass. Fucking garbage human. I'm trending, though. Trending up. Okay. If you've ever wondered what it's like if cocaine took an Adderall pill, this is what it's like.
It's like that's fun to see all go after each other. But, yeah, I was watching that, and I was thinking tripping by myself on the side there. I was like, fuck. What a horrible decision, this yeah, but it's fun.
It's. Totally fine. I've started eating at the Cracker Barrel again. Favorite things about the Cracker Barrel, it's always filled with fucking old people. And those are the only kind of types of people I don't fantasize about killing.
I swear to God. I can just really kind of enjoy what I'm eating. I can enjoy the ambiance. Is there a certain type of people other than old that resides him? Yeah. Well, weirdly enough, there's a bunch of fucking blind people that show up at the Cracker Barrel.
Are you sure they're blind? No, I'm just enraged right now. I cannot believe I'm just trying to keep my composure right now. I sort of got I was scared to even come here tonight. Tony I didn't even want to leave my fucking place.
Once you bob, you don't what do you order when you go to Cracker Barrel? Grandma's pancake breakfast. Tony you're working with some sausage, fucking eggs, biscuits, and then you get blueberry fucking pancakes.
Tony unbelievable. Holy shit, man. I love the blueberry bag. I can't even stop eating a blueberry bag. Brian Moses who is this black guy? You're a person. I started listening to a bunch of Ja Rule. Honestly, I've been listening to a bunch of Ja rule.
Hallu I met him at the airport two weeks ago in the Nashville airport. I said, Ja, you are a giant inspiration for me. I'm actually in the middle of filming a Super Bowl commercial. And he's like, oh, that's cool.
He's like, what are you doing? I'm saying, once you pop, you don't stop it. They told me to talk in, like, a black person voice, and I was like, I've been listening to a bunch of your mixtapes and stuff.
You're my inspiration. And I got to say it like that. But then he was like, okay, get the. Fuck away from me. Honestly, I didn't get a picture, but we should have said it. How did what did it sound like?
When Ja Rule said that to you? You go to have to stop. You got to stop. That was very dmxy. No doubt about it. We're pretty sure you're getting your black rappers confused. I see all this shit about red band going.
That's all he posts about. I met the dentist with his sunglasses on, trying to act all fucking cool. It's not cool, dude. They're pulling your fucking teeth out. Two pieces. Shit. It's not going to matter.
You wearing the wayfarers in the picture. Holy shit. They're tearing your teeth out of your skull. For some reason, he thinks being in a dentist chair is, like, awesome or something like that. You do?
That's so stupid. You posted today, literally back at the dentist again. I have been watching your fucking fine ass. Whoa. You talking to this guy right here? Yeah. Look at that guy. Wow. Cutie down there.
I like that guy. Whoa. He just gave you the eyebrows. This red man. Stop. I wasn't even fuck, he would tony I'm excited to announce I've started I don't know if you all remember Miss Cleo, but I've started calling miss Cleo is back.
It's crazy you mentioned this, because I literally just watched a documentary about her. She's dead. Who have I been talking to? Wait, no. You're kidding, right? No, she's dead as shit. You're kidding, right?
Wait, hold on. I'm still trying to get over the fact Miss Cleo is not who have I been talking to? Tony hold on. What the fuck is going on? You all are scaring me. Stop. College. I'm literally dripping.
Yes. Stop. Oh, my God. I've been talking to some Jamaican lady on the phone. I swear to God. Are you going to stop talking to her? Yeah. Oh, wow. Here he is. Oh, my goodness gracious. This is Dillard Butler, my first friend ever.
Absolutely incredible. I didn't realize Hunter biden went by. Dillard now is frightening. How are you doing? All right. Thank you for the compliment about my feet. You're welcome. How long have you known William for?
36 years. Wow. All right. Have you ever seen his dick or anything like that? It's uncomfortable. Why don't you tell us something about William as a child that we'd be. Surprised I used to show Dillard my penis.
At what point? It does. Wow. Tell us something about William that we'd be surprised to know. We talk with him every week. We never have an inside source like that. We sort of repeated kindergarten together.
Wow. William does not seem happy about that information being released at all. It was the Tea tribe with Miss Henderson. We went to transition. It was always, like, eight kids in every grade. Dillard and I were in the tea drive together.
They technically called it transition, which was a grade between kindergarten and first grade. But I think I think that was more for the parents. We were banned from seeing each other by our parents for, like, two months at one point.
Oh, that's what happens when you get caught 69 in his kids. That's what happens. It's so awkward. That was so awkward. Why did they ban you guys from seeing each other? For some reason, when we were, like, 15 or so, it got to be 16 because we had cars.
We sort of found all these old clothes from my grandfather who'd passed away and put pillows in them and put them in the street. Because William thought it would be funny to put dead bodies in the road and people would get out of their cars and start screaming.
Wow. But we did it in front of his uncle's house for some reason and of course we got caught and they were really bad. And what do you do? What's your story in life now? Yeah, I live in Charlotte, so it.
What do you do for work in Charlotte? I do some software account management. It is probably the most boring thing I could talk about. Yeah. No, I agree. Yeah. If you guys come to Charlotte, maybe you can help me.
Okay. Well, Larry, maybe I will. Well, I mean, hopefully you got this Charlotte. Oh, my goodness gracious. Have you ever thought about doing comedy? Do you have a joke or something you want to do? You seem like a funny guy.
You have a funny delivery. Trying to think I can tell some more stories about William if you'd like to hear that. You are one of the funniest. I remember one time we were at like Disney World or something on some family vacation, and Dillard was there.
And we were rolling around in the grass outside of the hotel. And when we went back inside, we were all blue. And my mother Francis started screaming that we were all going to die. And Dillard was so fucking scared.
Dillard totally believed my mom. They had us in the bathtub for some reason, trying to make us less blue. We recovered. Were you guys in the bathtub at the same time? We were younger. It was okay. Yeah, sure.
Is there anything you guys want to share about your friendship? Is there anything you two want to tell each other? Dillard, I love you. Oh, my goodness gracious. Look at that. You know what, Dillard?
I'm going to let you guys take a bath together tonight. How about a hand for Dillard? How about a hand for the great William Montgomery? It's.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, you guys ready to do some crazy shit right now or what? Are you guys ready to put a. Fucking ribbon on tonight's episode or what? Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end an episode like this.
It has come to that time where fresh off of a plane from Las Vegas, Nevada when this guy arrived he has the record for all time, most time ever on stage in the history of Kiltoni. More new minutes than anybody else.
Your final comedian has the record for most appearances all time ever on the show. A fucking phenom. Currently making over $80,000 a month on cameo. We've seen him do absolutely everything. He's an insane person, selling out all over the world.
Opening for tom Sagura duncan Trussell joe Rogan tony Hench Club. A fucking sensation. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler. Some people call him the Big Red Machine. The Vanilla Gorilla perhaps the Memphis Strangler.
Perhaps the big red machine. This is indeed the one and only William Montgomery, everybody. Here we go. Here he is, folks. Does that make me crazy? And just for the record, I fucking went to kindergarten twice.
There is nothing wrong with that. It was called transition. I've been watching a lot of Shark Tank recently so I thought I would get on the show and pitch them some of my ideas. Do you want to hear one?
Shark Tank, but for kids trying to get adopted, that's a show. It's just kids trying to get adopted. It's kind of loosely based off of Shark Tank. They can't find a house. They don't have a fucking family.
They literally need to get adopted. Thoughts and prayers to Gotham City. They've had not one, not two, not three, but dozens of supervillains. I don't mean serial killers. I mean mass murderers bordering on war criminals.
And what's even crazier, they all wear costumes. You know, I talk about Mr. Penguin. It reminds me of when I asked Redband if he thought women were fun and he said, Only if you count trans women. Redband, what did you mean by that?
Holy shit. That was so weird. I don't know if you all have heard, but California is trying to ban skittles. Wait, trying to ban skittles? They might as well be trying to ban water. Y'all know I love skittle.
I'm excited to be in the Comedy Mothership, but was a little worried how Red Band would handle the move. So red band. Just know I can be a hero. Red Band. Okay, and then hold on, I have a fortune cookie.
Let me see what's on this fortune cookie. Nice catch, bitch. Holy shit. Red band is so old. I asked him if I should join the Union and he said no. Join the confederates. Red Band. Why did you tell me to fucking put my cameo money in the fucking Silicon Valley Bank, you piece of shit?
That was all my money, bitch. Okay, that's my time. Okay, that's my time. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. And I have to say, I'm kind of starstruck right now. I loved you in American History x and Fight Club.
That was so cool, Mr. Norton. Thank you very much. I loved you. Want to catch a predator. Wait, what the fuck? Yeah, I was on two of those episodes. It's called a Floby. It's just this attachment you put onto the end of the vacuum cleaner, and then it sucks your hair up and, yeah, it cuts it.
So I'm super pumped that's tomorrow going to just try to get it as short as possible. I have to pretty much disguise myself. Can somebody kill whoever that was? Red Band, can you get your fucking gun out and fucking murder that dumb ass who just fucking said that?
Show yourself. Who the fuck was that? Seriously? Oh, was it that guy in the hat? That creepy looking piece of shit? I literally have a gun in my fucking waistband right now, you piece of shit. You are lucky I'm on parole or I would fucking murder your ass right in here right now.
Wow. I'm trying to talk about a Floby, dumb ass. I've been preparing for two fucking weeks to talk about a Floby and it didn't really work out. And now you're fucking messing with me, you piece of shit.
What do you want to do with that guy? I think I want to kiss your ass. Oh, shit. Take your hat off, man. Let me see your face. No, he's a coward. He's a coward in the dark. Yikes. Look at that. Looks like somebody had a fucking Floby accident earlier.
Seriously? Holy shit. There's spots in your fucking head. Yikes. All right, sit down, you creepazoid. Jesus Christ. Don't make a big deal about it. What the fuck? The big red machine meets the machine.
Bert, what do you think about William Montgomery? I really enjoy it. I really enjoy it. He reminds me of a friend we used to have. And I love the more confidence you get because the funer it is to watch you have fun on stage.
What happened to your friend? Is he doing good now or what happened to him? He hung himself. Go. So hopefully you'll continue reminding us of him. It. You'll be doing it any minute. Have you ever thought about putting a.
You look good. I remember when he was more overweight back. Oh, he was a bloated pig. It was unbelievable. That's what quitting drinking looks like. Burke, who are you talking to? Black Kettle. The fuck?
Look at Red band. And I talk about weight loss advice to each other. Preaching about getting healthy while being shaped like a snowman. That's incredible. So you're really not on Ozimpic? I started taking Ozimpic because of your fucking ass.
Are you really not on it? I'm on metformin sometimes, but no. Are you really on it? Yes. Is that why you winked at me earlier? No, it's because didn't you have Lyme's disease? I also have Lyme's disease, and I thought I had read you had Lyme's disease or something.
I love that he thinks you guys have so much in common. Do you like strawberry ice cream? I've been eating a bunch of you. Got to get off Reddit. Dude, wait. Get off Reddit? I'm never fucking going to get off Reddit.
I swear to God. I fucking live on fucking Reddit. Yeah. I'm never getting over at it. I swear to God. Nobody's ever going to give me over at it. If you really think you can stop. Me, I actually bet $20,000 that Purdue would make it to the final.
So now I have this bookie literally after me. His name is Jonathan Taylor Thomas. But he's literally on my trail right now. He's literally going to find me, I think. Have you thought about perhaps murdering the bookie that's chasing you around?
Oh, my gosh. Yeah, there he is. Hold on. I've never said this story. But fucking like a year ago, I saw some guy that was wishing me death threats. I don't really get on it often, but I found this dumb ass piece of shit able to find his fucking name and address and phone number.
And I discovered his stupid mom had recently died. So I sent him some message where I called him by his first name and said, hey, how's your mom doing? So and so I'm still going to fucking kill you one night, you bitch.
I swear to God. I still have your address, dumb ass. So are you ever going to stop stalking this dumbo? Went to a really great breakfast buffet earlier today. I think I'm going to open one up. God, there were chicken thighs.
There was asparagus. There was all this stuff. Apple pie. It was the best breakfast buffet. Give us some more examples of yeah, I had like some sponge cake that was out of this fucking world. Some cornbread.
Holy shit. Cornbread for breakfast? Yeah, cornbread for breakfast. This was very weird breakfast buffet. Cornbread for breakfast. You know, Mr. Penguin was there. What else was on your plate, William?
Shits of tom, sirloin. What else? Yeah, man, I had some mashed potatoes issue. What else was on your plate? You know, I had some gravy on top of those map potatoes. Come on, you know I has a gravy on that shoe.
Y'all know I love gravy for a. Second plate at this breakfast buffet. You know, I went back for third. What was on your plate? The third round. Oh, man. What was that? Is that my dad? Is that my drunk father here tonight?
God, it's a big somebody murder this piece of shit. I'm having the set of my life up here right now, dumb ass. This is literally the shot of my fucking life and you're fucking throwing riches in. Seriously, somebody dragged this guy out of here.
I owe Jonathan Taylor dobbins $20,000, and I don't have that kind of money right now. It's so silly. Word searches. A lot of mustard and mayonnaise on my sandwiches. That was a real there. Can you explain why you said, I just been eating a bunch of mustard and mayonnaise sandwiches?
Wait, mustard and mayonnaise salmon. Wait a second. Been eating a bunch of mustard and mayonnaise salmon. Wait, did you go to prison? Mayonnaise and mustard. Salmotool, who have you been hanging out.
With while eating mustard and mayo sandwiches? Because it seems like I mean, my mom a lot. She's back in town. Mayonnaise and mustard. Is there anything else on the sandwiches that you're eating other than mustard?
It's just fucking mayonnaise and mustard, Tony. I literally lost all my fucking money in the fucking silicon valley. Bay red band really told me to put my money there, man. I spread that shit on both sides, Tony.
You know I spread that shit on both sides. Mayonnaise and Moscow on both sides, stupid. May I eat that shit with both sides? That's just a regular sandwich. If you eat the sandwich with both sides, are you planning on ending that anytime soon?
Are you going to keep doing that? I'm taking it to the Orpheum, babe. Be past week stray drinking a bunch of Welch's grape juice. I got a bad kidney infection, and my doctor prescribed Welch's grape juice.
So, yeah, I've been drinking a bunch of that. That's a fucking hillbilly doctor right there. What do you mean, hillbilly doctor? Why did you use the word hillbilly? I'm trying to did you say that? Did you say hillbilly?
Doctor, did you look like you live with squirrels? What are you talking about? Wait, hold on. I look like I grew up with squirrels? What did you just fucking say? I think he nailed it. Yeah. He nailed it.
Is that what you just said? Dumbass? I just want to know for after this, I brought two of my fucking pistols, and through security, I have them both up in the green room. So I'm trying to get this right, right now.
You agreed? What do you think about it? What do you think? I think you're great, dude. You're my favorite one. Cool, thanks. I kind of don't believe you, Dave. Fucking pieces. Shit. What the fuck? Williams still convinced that Edward Norton is on the panel tonight.
Yeah, it's not that fucking funny, dude. Holy shit. Oh, look at the wheels turning over here. Oh, my God. Oh, look at that. I mean, I'm just trying to have fucking fun tonight, and my favorite fucking actor is busting my balls up here.
Shut the fuck up. Pussy. Yeah, I watch Flipper pretty buzz every single day. I'm probably not ever going to fucking stop watching Flipper. I mean, literally, judge Milion of the water. Judge Milion is such a wise Latina woman.
He's pretty much the Latina version of Fish version of Judge Milion. Did you win any money in Vegas, or did you lose any he said $20,000. Yeah. Were you not listening to me? I was. Stupid piece of shit.
What's all over your shirt? Red band. Are those crumbs from, like, Oreos or do you have Oreo crumbs? Seriously, what is that? There was this younger comic on earlier. It was dried.com. I feel like when you fuck women, you make them look you in the eye the whole time.
Because you're right, bitch. I'm never going to stop making eye. Contact him during sex. It's. Just look at me. Look at me. You're that guy. Or, Why do I feel like you hold the girl by the face? God, you have to stop.
You have really taken this to a place it shouldn't have gone. Why would you be saying that shit to me up here, right? Why would you be exposing me in front of all these fucking people? You've always owned it.
You've always owned it. Are you ever going to stop owning it? No. I'm never going to stop fucking looking in girls eyes when I'm ejaculating inside. Don't leave. Do you have those in Australia? That's my Australian accent.
EMI is. Sir, are you saying there he is. Yeah, there he is, sir, with the Australian twang to it. Okay. Milkman. My heaven. Maybe a milk delivery when the husband's not home. He's saying he fucks me when my husband isn't there.
We're having an affair, Bill Billingsley. Fuck you. I wish you would. You have always been a fucking slut. I cannot believe you just said that. Shit. Holy shit. William, any parting words before we let you go?
Yanis, you've seen William before, right? Yeah, I've seen him. He looks like. Don't finish that sentence. I can already tell. Don't fuck. I have an itchy trigger finger, literally right now, and I'm not even holding the gun yet.
Hold on. You're never going to stop. I'm never going to stop. I love breaking into people's houses. I literally love breaking into people. Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful William On, everybody.
William motherfucking Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. William Montgomery, everybody. Yeah. A local legend. Ladies and gentlemen, Casey Rocket. Oh, I never made it as a wise man. Get real. Real trap.
And now it's time to bring up the man who took over for Michael closing the show, he is the longest standing regular in this show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, born and bred here on Kill Tony, this is the big red machine.
William Montgomery, everybody. Boom. The big red machine. This is William Montgomery. It kind of threw me off when Michael's alec Baldwin jokes are way better than mine and he just improvised it. Alec Baldwin is a famous theory actor as arrow, he said, always reclosing.
And what he meant was, always kill your cinematography. So let's try this out. I can't believe what happened with Alec Baldwin killing someone. So I went back to look at what he's been in, and I think we should have seen it coming.
I mean, you have Dr. Death. Glenn. Gary. Glenn. Bang. And who can forget 30 Glock? You all know I love Ali Baldwin. I bet after Fight Club came out, the Pixies were like, just what we needed, more downloads.
You all, I love the pixies. Very unhappy to announce I ran over a guy earlier today. I was looking up at a billboard, trying to figure out what it said. And the dumb ass walked right in front of my car.
Turns out the billboard said, please be careful. Pedestrian deaths are on the rise. You all know I love running over all those people. You all can make all the Alec Baldwin jokes you want, but if he were to do stand up, he would kill you all know I've killed all those people before on just ding the fucking thing.
Red Band, what are you doing? You just say that you're done. Thank you. That's my time. Thank you. That's my time. Yeah. William Montgomery. My name is William Montgomery. Thank you so much. That's been my time.
As good as he is, he's at the peak of his career, and somehow he doesn't really end his set. That was my time. Thank you all so much. My name is William Montgomery. That was my time. Thank you all so much.
It was a real pleasure. That was my time. My name is William Montgomery. Thank you all so much for being here. Thank you for driving so far. You all are so sweet. You all came from such far distances.
My name is William Montgomery. That was my time. That was my time. How's it going? You just got back from Los Angeles, California? I did. It was honestly a fucking nightmare. I go to Six Flags, the second day I'm there, my phone gets sucked out of my pocket on the X Two roller coaster.
All my fucking chickfila points were connected to that phone on that app. I'd like, 5000 fucking chickfila points. I've spent probably $500 this year there. Now it's fucking gone. So my week was honestly awful.
Wow, you lost your chickfila points? Have you gotten a new phone since then? I did. Have you downloaded Redownloaded, your chickfila app? Yeah, but it was on, like, another email that I can't remember the password to.
So I was unable to access the chickfila app. Did you go to forgot password? I honestly did not click on that. That'll send a link to your email. Yeah, but I'm not logged in that email, and it's a whole fucking mess.
Who just fucking said that? I have a fucking gun in my car. No, I'm not fucking around. I have a gun in my car. I will bring it back in here. I don't think this is the week to talk about we have a prop gun here on Kiltoni, actually, but stupid.
William I love this style. You've been dressing up a lot lately. And then tonight you did this. You did abusive grandfather or something like that. Yeah. I'm not kidding when I say when I lost those fucking points, my week literally was a disaster.
I started drinking again. No. Fucking drunk as fuck right now. No, you didn't. Shut the fuck up, you pussies. I drink it again. William someone williams I do a blow tonight. William, someone just threw raisin bread on this stage at you.
They're trying to get you back on the I'm not eating this shit anymore. Get that out of my face. The raisin bread just hit an old Vietnam veteran on the lap. Right on his dick. Oh, shit. They're throwing it back on the stage again.
This is like when a Yankee who fucking brought that? He you have a really weak arm, William. It's something else. Your raisin bread just hits a purple haired lady in the head. Yeah. Who fucking brought that?
Whoa. He got it. Look at that. Absolutely incredible. Sir. I also did a set at the Comedy Store on Saturday night, and some lady probably five minutes into it said, you're not funny. And I called her a bitch.
And then she got up and she's like, would you just call me a bitch? And I was like, yeah, you bitch. And then they had to escort her out. Reality was best. Wow. Different fucking playing that night. Wow.
And so so then what happened? Did you hang out at the Comedy Store till late? What's The Comedy Store like right now? Give us a report. It was fun. A lot of people were wearing orange for some reason.
Fall. It's fall. Yeah. That's because they want to make sure Alec Baldwin sees them. Yeah. Why did I say a bunch of people were wearing orange? What the fuck was I thinking that was going to accomplish?
Why'd I say that? Set me up for a joke. William, do you ever go hunting or anything like that? Do you ever do any outdoorsy things? Because you look like a lumberjack. Yeah, you look like the guy that comes out of a cuckoo clock or something like that.
I went hunting one time with my Uncle Lance down in Mississippi, and we shot someone. We were hunting people at a convenience store. Somebody owed my uncle a bunch of money. I was only six years old.
Uncle Lance fucking shot him through the chest. It was horribly gory. But yeah, that was the one time I went hunting. Did you try to save the person at all when they had an open wound in their chest?
Well, I was driving the car, and I immediately hit the person as they were falling down it. God, what a weird story. Why didn't even say that? It was totally made up. How much raisin bread have you eaten since the last episode a week ago?
Well, since last Thursday, I've had four loaves. Four loaves last Thursday? Since this past fucking Thursday. Did you eat a loaf today? Yeah. All right. Earlier today. That's why I didn't want to fucking see that, because I don't want to be tested.
That's right. You're already at your limit for raisin bread. What's your favorite kind of raisin bread, William? Who fucking said blueberry? Yeah. I have a fucking gut in my trunk. I swear to God. I'll bring it back in here.
I swear to God. Some lady that does not know how. Raisin bread works her those are the words of a lady that has only looked at raisin bread and not eaten it or read the bag. Blueberry raisin bread. That's why there'll never be a female president right there.
Because people like that yelling out. There will never be a female president. Look at the table with the purple haired lady. As the only lady's giving me the finger right now. What are the odds of that?
Yeah. What the fuck are you all even doing? Thank you. The fuck are you all trying to prove? Seriously, what the fuck are you trying to prove? Thank you, William. Get out of here. No, you don't have to leave.
You don't have to leave. William, you look so yeah, I'm pissed right now. My fucking phone came out on the X Two. Did you ask the people at the yeah, they collect the phones every night. You can get them, like, the next.
Well, I talked to the people, but no, I got an email the other day and they don't have it, so it's gone. Wow. My goodness. To think there's some gone. To think that there's someone out there eating all that chickfila right now.
Shit, I haven't even thought about that. Yeah, I know. Oh, my God. I wonder what piece of shit is eating all my fucking. I didn't even think about that with Tony. Yeah, I know. My crazy time. A lot of people right now investing in Tesla and Apple, and you saved up all those Chickfila points.
And I always thought if I ever went homeless or something like that, I would at least be able to eat chickfila for like, a month while I got my legs back under me. That's why I was collecting the points, in case you were curious.
I love chickfila. Don't you? I love it. How much do you love Chickfila? I fucking love chickfila. I swear to God. Tell these people how much you love what do you love? My favorite fucking place. What do you like to get there?
What do you like to get there, William? A couple chickfila chicken sandwiches. Hold the pickles. Wow. Hold on a second. Hold the pickles. Texas does not fuck around. They are booing fucking pickles. Shut the fuck up.
Wow. There's no way. This is why. Fucking pickles. There's no way olio like pickles. There's no way Hulk Hogan joins. There's no way. There's no way. I feel like I'm in a nightmare right now. This is a yes.
I cannot believe it. The crowd has turned on William Montgomery. What the fuck happened? This is a pro pickle audience. That's bullshit with purple hair just pulled one out of her vagina. Yeah. I refuse to fucking believe that.
Did that many people like fucking pickles? That's unbelievable. How many? You love pickles out there? Oh, my God. Grill loathe. Fucking bullshit. There's no way. How many you love dill pickles? That's the worst kind.
There's no way. There's no way. I refuse to believe what's going on? What the fuck are you doing with your hands? I'm going to get my gun. Oh, shit. I think that's tonight's episode of Kill Tony. How about another hand for William Montgomery, everybody?
We did it again. Good stuff, William.